“The End is nigh’,” and all that rubbish. It’s time to face the fact, we are in an epoch where the tectonic fluctuations under our feet, those that change reality as the set way of the world, are mostly governed by a loose cabal of trendsetters who have more in common with hipsters, than with the titans of industry of olden times. It is a generation controlling earthquakes and jumbling the landscape to their whims… the corporate landscape.
The old guard’s only recourse: bribe a judge or two.
It is a judicial battlefield parried by legislative war dogs; trained mercenaries who have sharpened their talons on lesser prey. They are loophole hunting horsemen, of the apocalyptic persuasion that could have made the Nuremberg trials seem like nothing more than constitutional word games.
“Distinguished gentlemen, what truly constitutes Genocide? A vague calculation that not even Webster has been able to define. I call for Mistrial.”
Every paradigm shift, one way or another has spurred on a sudden onset of dementia, wave after wave of myocardial infarction and the ever diligent swan-dive off tall buildings by the grey beards of stock and trade. A thousand vile and vicious villains clutch their hearts as visions of a third yacht suddenly hit the hypothetical iceberg. Boardrooms of number-crunchers, fat cats, and mired-in-their-ways CEOs calculate the splash pattern from a 10-floor meeting saloon.
“God, you’re not lending a hand here,” says a pinstriped suit aficionado with a suicidal immersion into the company’s portfolio. Kamikaze bombers plunged, Kampai glee on their lips, with less vehemence and haste.
“Hey, Larry, there below…
It’s one of those dweebs from UBER. One of the cocksuckers who bent us over.
They had our dynamics gang raped like Jodi Foster in that one movie. Assholes!”
“Mike, open the window, if I’m taking the express elevator down, I’m aiming for that road-stain.” A running start, a superman leap, an action far too late, and given the laws of physics and gravity, far too little and off the mark.
Splat. It’s the sound of evolution and marketing Darwinism once more proving that the way of the entrepreneur hangs by the furry balls of technology.
It is the first rule of cutthroat business Taoism.
With that bleak introduction, let’s get on with the dooming show. Here are The Guy Society’s top companies.
These are the behemoths that spiraled out of control and not only skyrocketed stock owner’s bank accounts but became part of the national lingo. These corporations proved to the competition that set rules are darlings of the past, they’ve been thrown into a junkyard heap by outside-the-box thinkers.
We’ve broken them up into their sphere of influence or their sector of the industrial pie they are rapidly grubbing down on like a fat kid at an all you can eat buffet. As if that kid was hopped up on speed and mired in a fog of the munchies.
Today is our excursion into that dark and mysterious heart of the startups that seemed to have sold their soul to the Devil for fame, wealth, and an island or two…
Ten Technology savvy enterprises that are akin to the coming of the processor in an abacus ignorant world.
BOX: When you think cloud storage and trusting the digital ether with your dirty pics’ your first thought most likely swirls to Dropbox. Sadly, that’s on account of the fact that we, as untrained monkeys that like bright shining things, are still amazed by our poop and how well we might be able to fling it. Dropbox is for the chumps, the little league, the paltry humans. BOX, on the other hand, is what the Gods use when they want their risky plans, machinations, and schemes, to go up wherever the Cloud is. Airbnb, Spotify, General Electric, IBM, Apple, Microsoft, Oculus, this is the model they prefer, hire and trust. A model, that is even as we speak, brokering new partnerships with heavyweights that could buy and sell countries with the loot they have under their pillow.
SLACK: like BOX was to Dropbox, so is Slack to Trello. A cloud-based team communication tool co-founded in 2013 by Canadian entrepreneur and now-CEO Stewart Butterfield. Slack took its first steps in Butterfield’s small firm, nothing more than an app he developed to streamline his meetings. 3 years-later, Slack is being hailed as e-mail’s death sentence within the red-taped halls of by-the numbers company blueprints. Mainframes are seeing a reduction of 49% of interdepartmental data spit-swap. Slack, due to its open API (some tech whatnot that makes it the bell of the ball on account that it’s rather loose with its knickers), manages to integrate seamlessly between platforms, including Google and Uber. This is what the NASA, eBay, Pinterest, US. Department of State, The New York Times, Uber, and Gmail use in order to properly take over the world. It’s fun, it’s simple and, above all, it’s security eliminates the danger of another “Fappening”… On second thought, bearing closer examination of the grave of that scantily clad sequel, I say: “Down with Slack!”
MICROSOFT: Yes, the little company that was being beaten ten shades of shit just a year or two ago. “Look a tablet!” The tech world slaps their face in disbelief and passover a dunce-cap for the conglomerate that rode in on the “special” bus. Now, Microsoft, is finally getting back some R.E.S.P.E.C.T (preach it Aretha!). They’ve gotten off the mat, dusted off their feces laden exterior and found themselves a stash of pineapple grenades. Their fashionable philosophy in new human-centered products has finally reignited their cutting-edge fried mainframe. While the rest are playing with theories, designs and new camera’s for their smartphones, Microsoft is finally giving us a “Back To The Future” house. They are putting a brilliant OS into homes and backing it up with real augmented reality software and 3-D utilitarian lenses.
ZENDESK: The Swamy of Costumer Service. Zendesk is the sort of software, employed by companies, that can be used by trained baboons and still provide excellent service to an angry, irate patron. It can work with a customer whose complaint started up with a rambunctious rant and concluded with an attached pic of a nine-millimeter bullet. Zendesk makes the most troubling and suicide-prone station in any conglomerate (that office meant to deal with snooty client’s who simply bemoan their lot and forget the ways of logic. Plug in the laptop, you ninny!… “My computer don’ start”…) a breeze. Zendesk allows one trained simian to answer multiple inquiries, give rapid fire responses and, for the boss, it also collects valuable info concerning response times, types of complaints, serious offenses, and what shade of pink consumers like their products in.
JAUNT: VR might be a passing fad, but for a few years – at least until we start forgetting about real life, or immersing ourselves in digital hot tubs with a two-bit Scarlett Johanssen – this Fad will mean big business. Most companies are still figuring out what this means, how to properly execute such a shift, they are adjusting and examining the philosophical malaise opening up before them. Jaunt, meanwhile has already taken the plunge and prayed that the pool had some water as deep as the Marina Trench. They developed an end-to-end platform for the creation of cinematic VR content. A platform that’s already producing unique content. Their content is being gobbled up and bought, in the share of millions, by such companies as: InStyle, Sundance, ABC News, The North Face, and Elle. 2016, saw them partnering up with Google and Disney. Not bad for a company that started off in the tail-end of 2013.
FACEBOOK: Every year, a swath of inbreed yuppies pronounce Facebook’s final slumber. “Twitter is the final nail in that social experiment’s aging cadaver!” They claim and shout it from their 140 character pulpits. And, every year, like clockwork, Mark Zuckerberg prances into the spotlight and flicks them the bird… And, just to be sure, he goes and takes a piss on their new golden calf. “Hey, look, we’re becoming stale, Mark.” Out came a slick black billfold built from the backside of a unicorn’s hide; rich-man’s pret-a-porter. “Here, take my wallet and buy some upcoming venture that’s climbing over the battered corpse of its competitor… Something like Whatsapp messenger, Oculus VR and Instagram… Oh, and a sundae, get me a sundae, one with gold flakes on top.”
BUZZFEED: Surely you’ve heard of BuzzFeed, well, did you know that the company that’s stockpiling 24-carat bar bricks and has a revenue in the 165-million, only started out in 2009? And almost as a lark? BuzzFeed was a venture that needed capital to get off the ground, now, it’s valued in the 900 million mark and growing. Producing more content than even NBC news. Their suggestions turn elections around.
APPLE: It was inevitable that Steve Job’s baby would show up. “But,” you’re probably telling yourself, “it hasn’t produced a musty dragon’s wang in the last few years…” That my friend is because you’re a dull ninny who can’t appreciate global takeover without some teacher spelling it out. So, take a seat and be prepared to be educated, you feckless puddle of fried neurons. Apple has veered their plans. They now have the money, the mulla, the cash… That’s no longer the issue. Each time one of their smartphones comes out, half the population gets a raging hard-on. Come launch day, the crowds and lines pour out on their stores, make a climaxing porn-star look positively saintly. Apple’s new policy, their new mission, is to expand their influence like octopus tentacles around the world. The little apple is steamrolling across the shores; a Pacman devouring far-flung sectors. Here are some of its investment:
- developing a car, due out in 2019
- HomeKit and ReasearchKit (collects data on a massive scale)
- cleaning up its global chain supply
- perfecting solar power
- doubling its App Stores
- pressing their influence in smaller countries
- solidifying their endeavors in China
Apple is the Lex Luthor of contemporary enterprises. It already has the coins, now it wants to be Superman and squeeze the world by its balls. Don’t believe me? Then check out the campus they’re building. If that doesn’t scream super-villain lair nothing does. Trust me, get ready to sing, “All hail our fruity overlords!”
TINDER: Sex Sells. An app based on facilitating the wet rubbing of our sensual parts with casual, anonymous and wanton hotties. Yep, you’re probably all taking a hammer to said squishy parts for not having thought of it first.
BABBEL: una compañia que te deja hablar con completos extraños… Although there are other apps and software that break the language barrier, it is Babbel’s adaptive matrix and algorithms that is making the company the main defenestrator of its opponents.
Worthy mentions, cool fellowships that are paving the way as pioneers in a dusty, no-so outdated frontier? “Why aren’t these explained a bit further?” On account that I’m not getting paid for more words, you ginormous twat!
- Shopify: Allowing retailers to easily sell in social media feeds and making it a simple to step dance for the rest of humanity towards that finish-line called bankruptcy.
- Everfest: Gifting a gaggle of teens with an engine that tells them where the shit is at in their community. Concerts, events, nearby thingamabobs… A gift from the W (whatever) Generation to the ADD Generation.
- Banjo: A news hound app that becomes so intuitive and massive that it even has the ability to detect stories and breaking news before the big media outlets. They even beat out law enforcement.
- SnapChat: Don’t really know what it is, but that devilish ring of 15-year-olds that my niece hangs out with seem to have converted to its church. It seems that everyday brings them closer to just a push away from sacrificing some virgin on the altar of their new strange deity.
- Periscope: A tool that can actually create empathy towards social injustice. Periscope is the software that serves as the better angel of our souls because, reality has caved in the old version’s head with a meat-cleaver.
- SolChip: For fanning the hope that one day my cellphone’s battery won’t die midday. SolChip, an Israeli-based company, is on the cusp of perfecting a solar powered recharging battery that is everlasting.
Next up, Bio-med and Robots. Check with us soon. Yes, it’s a tactic to generate traffic… Blame Marvel and their interlocking universe.