The American Nightmare

No matter your status, it can happen to us all!
No matter your status, it can happen to us all!

As a guy that spends a lot of his year travelling back and forth to the United States, specifically Florida, there is one thing that hasn’t changed throughout the years.

The “Two Week Transformers” exist.

If you have ever been to the States you would almost certainly have seen these guys. You may even be one of them.

What’s a “Two Week Transformer?” I hear you scream silently.

Am I one? Have I seen one in its natural habitat?

Just for the record, they are not a popular movie robot with a slow rate of change.

It’s early, usually too early. Your holiday started the night before at the airport hotel bar. You’re checked in. Luggage has hopefully gone onto your flight. You sit at the bar for some hair-of-the-dog and a full English breakfast. It’s then you see your first glimpse of the Two Week Transformers. Usually a family or a group of guys, you scope them over your steaming breakfast. Their flight attire, England football shirt, three quarter length trousers and flip-flops. The overly keen ones will almost certainly be wearing a ridiculously bent brimmed kappa hat.

They’re clearly ready for their first trip to the wondrous land that is home to the American Dream!

The beer (usually Stella) and “banter” flow from their table over to you. Of course, that’s where the rowdy ones will sit, right next to the guy working away on his laptop while eating a breakfast!

I digress.

Over the next two weeks something miraculous happens.

The England shirts are rolled into a ball and packed at the bottom of the suitcase. The three-quarter trousers are burnt (hopefully) and the flip-flops are left broken by the pool from a drunken slip.

These guys have lived the American Dream and are dressed to show the world.

They now resemble what can only be described as some amalgamation of extras from a Spike Lee movie and an undistributed Hollister commercial.

These guys love to spit in the face of The Man and even though they’ve spent two weeks in Orlando, somehow their new favorite team in the world is the Knicks. Their favorite player is Michael Jordan (this is evident from their 90’s Air Jordan Sneakers and Jump Man arm band). Then, just to kick The Man while he’s down, these guys complete their “Basketball” look with a Yankees flat-brim! All of this is washed down with their new favorite beer, the sacrilegious Bud Light!

I’m not telling you how to spend your hard earned money. But, for the love of God, don’t be a Two Week Transformer.

Two Week Transformers aren’t all mere-mortals. Here’s Sasha Baron Cohen before and after his last trip to Florida!

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