“Life Hacks,” a buzzword, or more to the point “buzzphrase,” that has gathered more steam and attention than a Presidential meet and greet in Las Vegas with hookers. A provocative landfall of possibilities that has seized the collective mind, the media, and just about every two-bit roustabout dullard’s attention by the throat. Simple, every day activities that will have you ratcheting up your daily production intake. The world is littered with these bits of wisdom and small truths that continuously make life not only simpler but better.
Existence in this plane is not a box of chocolates. It is a Dante-esque, often surreal experiment in the mating habits of the praying mantis and the business acumen of “Mortal Kombat” enthusiast. It is the proverbial dog eat dog world, only in this case, your nemesis looks like a cross between a Velociraptor and the James Bond villain Jaws. As such, given that we are constantly swimming in shark infested waters, in a perpetual search of some divine inspiration on not only how to reach safety but on what elixir will transform us into a White Shark munching Megalodon; science, alchemy and business titans have little by little bequeathed us with random ciphers to turn the tides in our favor. The give us cheat codes, passwords, (up, down, down, down, left, uppercut, jab, high kick, pause) that will take us straight to the final round and perform a satisfying fatality on that 4 armed monstrosity we call the competition.
So – here are 20 cheat codes for your life, to make it easier, better, and hacked.
- Defenestrate the hour-long meeting: Go straight to the point or get off the pot. A leader knows his time is money. So, if you can’t succinct the plot into a 15-minute debate or a phone conversation, then find another line of work. Value your time.
- Shut the hell up and perk up your ears: Listen before speaking. Try to understand what the other is pointing out and what treasured info he’s giving away. You probably have a whole speech or riff planned, stow it for a second and do your best to glean nuggets of wisdom from the other party’s incessant jabbering.
- Celebrate Progress: If you hit the mark or snuffed out a goal, do a blow out. Try to Pavlov Dog your success. Won a big battle, scored the winning touchdown, then fly to Amsterdam, get wasted, wreck your car and have an orgy. Or simply pamper yourself with a nice dinner. Me? I say cut the coke and go bonkers.
- Shorten your commute: If your work desk or the knightly throne of your empire needs a car just to reach, then you, my friend, suck! Try to set up your first few hungry years of progress in a walking radius. Gym, home and work. Make a list of what you appreciate most and do your best to find an ideal spot on where to set up shop. If it takes you and hour just to reach any of your destinations, you’re stressing for nothing and adding undue time to your busy schedule.
- Ten Year Test: Every once in a while you’ll hit a roadblock, a problem that will have you going ape-shit. “Oh dear God, what now!” Step back, breath and really think it over. Will it matter in 10 days? 10 months? 10 years? If the answer is no, then simply chuck it out the door and focus on the blinking red light of doom that’s already gestating in the background. There is always one of those, it’s an old charter.
- Build a personal brand: The minute you waltz into the scene, you have to be that unique snowflake, Tyler Durden said didn’t exist. You have to set yourself apart from the rest of the Enterprise crew. Find a fashion, a tell tale sign that marks you as an individual. Look at Steve Jobs or Bill’s funky glasses, or even Tom Wolves’ ice-cream-man get up. In a crowd, you can point them out.
- The Resume is dead: When LinkedIn made a splash in the Social Media waters, your C.V. developed a cancerous tumor. Last year Facebook, Twitter and SnapChat served as pallbearers in its belated funeral. A sad affair, that everybody saw coming. Invest time, money and professional aid in your LinkedIn profile, that’s where your future lies.
- Take the essentials: Reduce your accouterments and thingamabobs to just what you need. Leave your business cards at home. Nowadays they just get tossed out or end up in the washer’s lint bin. Your lucky rabbit’s foot? Hang it by the door. Go light, the less stuff to worry about the better. It’s a smartphone, use all its options. The camera isn’t just there to send naughty pictures of your tool, it’s there to capture contacts and more. For you gals, here’s a tip, if Santa Claus looks with awe at your purse then you better repack.
- Stay Humble: Did you know that Washington, the President and General, hated that the Capital had been named in his honor? He constantly referred to it as “The Federal City.” The man was continuously known for being cool and mindful of his pride. My question to you: how many redcoats have you tossed out? How many nations have you liberated? Be Washington, not Mayfield.
- Work while on the move: Steve Jobs, all the guys from the show The West Wing, did the hallway shuffle. They never stood still. They were uniformly on the move, high on caffeine and fever dreams. Not only does it prevent diseases, but it also helps pump up your cohorts and lackeys. If they see that the boss is a locomotive, they are are far less likely to slack off.
- Get Netflix or HBO Plus, or anything on demand: We need our entertainment, what we don’t need is to be tied up in a weekly schedule and a miasma of commercials. Relax with Walking Dead when you’re good and ready, not when the networks want to ramp up their ratings.
- Iron your shirts the frat-boy way: Hang your clothes up in the bathroom, saves time and it works wonders.
- Pack food for your flights: Not only will you save, but you will also eat what you want when you want it. While everybody else is salivating for that little cart to reach them, you’ll be all tuckered out and dreaming of Baywatch babes and Scrooge McDuck’s swimming pools of cash.
- Eat “the frog” first: Kick your hardest task or most boring mission of the day into the trash bin as soon as your eyes spring open. You are far more useful when you have that bushy-tail than at the end of the day when said tail has been dragged through the mud. Enumarate that day’s objective, find the one that eiter pisses you off the most or you just know it’s going to be hassle, and do it as fast as humanly possible.
- Get laid regularly: Booty calls, period. A mind with greased up parts, thinking of goals and not that fine chick’s skirt is an uncluttered masterpiece. Do pick up rounds, do Tinder, get a friend with benefits. What’s important is that when you start to wallow in your basic instincts, you have a safe harbor to do the beast with two backs.
- Unplug: Once every two hours, switch everything off for a couple of minutes. Take a breather. Turn of your phone, flick your secretary off, or simply do a walk around the block. You need to recuperate. Otherwise, you’ll go postal.
- P.O.D: Plan. Organize. Do. Break down all your errands into these 3 factions. One after another.
- “Let me think about that”: You’re are not Einstein – unless you are, in which case why are you reading this mindless drivel? – so, when you inevitably get stumped by a question plead “the fifth,” or in your case tell them you’ll get back in a jiffy.
- Promise only what you can deliver: Your reputation is on the line. Your word is a bond that will either break or make lasting relations. If you’re not sure, then say you’ll do your best. Leave the door open for sorrow and disappointment. It’s way better to have them on notice than skipping about gleefully saying,”Finally the cure for cancer!”
- Marry your best friend: Fiddle about before tying the knot. Get your freak on when you’re young, but, when you decide to call your bachelor life quits, don’t go for honeypot. Go for that girl or guy who makes you feel comfortable and relaxed. Someone who doesn’t go bat-guano-insane when a silence encroaches into their life. Be with someone who’ll understand the value of Star Wars and Doctor Who, and doesn’t say “God, you’re a child. Get off your PlayStation and do something productive.”
A partner like that has issues, not you. Tell them to get another hobby besides riding you for yours.
Stay tuned for more life hacks and mind numbing advice from someone who doesn’t apply them but should.