They be droppin’ like flies…
This past year our heroes seem to be getting hit by deadly invisible mortar fire.
“Duck!” Blam, there goes Bowie.
“Hit the deck!” Purple Rain splattered all around as if Jackson Pollock just came off a date with the Joker.
“Oh, the Carnage… The horrible Carnage… Even Raymond’s fictional Mom got snuffed out!”
Merle Haggard, bye, bye.
Admiral “Its a Trap” Ackbar joined the Force.
Curtain call, Garry Shandling.
The Fifth Beatle, George Martin. “John… What the?! What are you doing here?”
As I swirl down a list of DOA celebs, I’m struck by the sheer amount of star power that’s circled the drain these last few months. It’s a genocidal free-for-all, where old Grim himself is even complaining.
“Godammit, woman!” Goes he of the curved farming utensil. “Again with the VIP carpet? It’s starting to look pink… I need the day off!”
Gasp, even Looney Tunes‘ Bugs Bunny, Daffy Ducky, Tweety, and Sylvester the Cat, as well as Rugrats‘ Grandpa Pickles, bought the farm this year.
For once, I want a syndicate to butt in. Maybe get the equivalent of Death’s own Teamsters for some much needed chit-chat time with the Forces- That-Be. I’m fairly certain the big D isn’t getting paid for the overtime. Maybe a march or a staged walkout. Something to gum up the rails for a week or two. Humanity needs a breather.
Reapers on strike, a couple of monks on Jenny Craig holding up huge signs. “More work, less pay? Fuck you!”
2015, back when it was 2015, seemed as if God was taking pot-shots on our Celebrity friends. In retrospect, the way this culling season is going, now I’m fairly certain the bearded one was simply practicing his aim. “Bet I can hit 3 in a row. Skip my rock across the fabric of space and time…”
Well, this weekend was the clincher. I wake up, strong cup of coffee starting up my bowels, mister happy poking out at everything, a mind of its own – “will you go down!” The birds chirping, the cat next door triangulating their position. Into the workforce, I flow. Which in my case is my beat-up laptop and my caffeine stained desk. My boss screaming at the top of his lungs, “It’s noon you lazy bastard! You’re fired!”
The man constantly riding my ass. One of the drawbacks of being self-employed, you’re own Jefe; sooner or later you have to do nasty sexual favors in order to keep the job. Switch on my screen, news website…
Suddenly, a punch to the groin. My morning wood goes from mighty oak to dried up seaweed on the surf. Muhammed Ali, the big man, the one and only… Is DEAD!
“Ahhh!” I toss a blanket over my laptop, run into the bedroom and go back to sleep. Screw it, today is a tequila, Ice Cream, porn and never get up kind of day. Reality is not only a real bitch but on days like these, she’s hopped up on crank, riding the Crimson Wave, sporting a strap-on worthy of a “SAW” movie and prowling the mean streets, muttering to herself: “Men…”
I get reoriented and in honor of Muhammed Ali, I’ve recollected a few of his quotes. Timeless phrases that tell you the sort of hombre he truly was.
- I know where I’m going and I know the truth, and I don’t have to be what you want me to be. I’m free to be what I want.
- I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.’
- Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.
- He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.
- If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.
- Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.
- I’m the greatest thing that ever lived! I’m the king of the world! I’m a bad man. I’m the prettiest thing that ever lived.
- If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
- I have been so great in boxing they had to create an image like Rocky, a white image on the screen, to counteract my image in the ring. America has to have its white images, no matter where it gets them. Jesus, Wonder Woman, Tarzan and Rocky.
- My trainer don’t tell me nothing between rounds. I don’t allow him to. I fight the fight. All I want to know is did I win the round. It’s too late for advice.
Finally, my favorite. It’s the sort of quote that makes you snap back and realize that at the bottom, this man’s New Year Resolution was not only to kick-ass, but to paddle down the River Stix and give Death a knuckle sandwich.
I done wrestled with an alligator, I done tussled with a whale; handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail; only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick; I’m so mean I make medicine sick.
So, yes, Cassius Marcellus Clay Jr. is pushing daisies. One Patron bottle down and I can finally accept it. If he’s up there, I only ask one thing, find whowever is in charge and give him a good wallop, cause this shit has got to stop!