Life-Hack: Train Like Batman

Train Like Batman

“If you could be anyone, then be yourself… Unless, there’s the slightest possibility that you could be Batman.

Then, for the love of God, be Batman… Really, let’s be honest, you suck.”

I should really start selling my pep-talks; inspirational videos.
I have age old wisdom, that even Alexander The Great, Winston Churchill and – dare I say it – he of the fishes and loafs would have strongly agreed with.
“Be Batman!” Moses once read from an unedited rocky tablet.

Is there a point to this meaningless exercise of self-stroking nerd adoration? Will he tapper off into the cusp of some revelation? Or will he simply run his mouth off like on so many meandering articles? Come on, Max, if you’re fatalistically determined to swagger on down the byways of distraction, and never circle the mark, then I’m ending our relationship and steering clear of your ADD mindset.

My retort: first of all, I’m not ADD. I’ve been tested. My meanderings are byproducts of volatile chemical reactions, courtesy of mister J. Daniels. Secondly, there’s a point coming. It’s boiling up. Just give me a minute to remember. There, Bingo. Sports, training and sweating like a cooked pig at a luau-out. That’s what this little piece is about. The idea of airbrushing reality, twigging this sphere of matter and behooving you with a new life hack.
“Stand like a superhero, feel like a superhero, act like superhero,” that’s the credo that I’m desperately trying to impart.
Psychological researchers, those squirrelly fellas’ so hell-bent on blaming your parents, have come to a wild mind blowing revelation. The superhero stance – that iconic pose, Superman and the like determinably practiced in the mirror. The stance of “shoot me, mother$&@&er. Cause I’m the boss. Bullets bounce off me, and I bathe nightly with enriched plutonium.” That look – chest puffed out, chin facing skyward, the determined glare of an enraged zealot, legs spread apart and fists clenched up against your hips – can not only make you feel and act differently. It can actually alter your hormonal output. I’m not slinging bull here, this is science. Or at the very least, pseudoscience.
A crackpot, ace team, of think-tank gray-beards – with too much coffee and comics in their midst – came up with this hypothesis. Rapidly they flew into action and drew out an experiment to verifying their fantasy; once more proving that science is the bitch and that crack-cocaine and weed can be easily found in all walks of life.
The experiment was a multifaceted, dozens of participants, mix-and-match fandango. It had everything. Gambling, posturing, alpha and beta male square-offs, maybe even fist fights.. And, I’m fairly certain, that a pissing contest was involved somewhere. I won’t bore you with the medical heavy details, but, once the small microcosm of participants and the rubberneckers – giddy with excitement from what they had just witnessed during the trials – dispersed, the awesome revelations fell like anvils over cartoon heads.
Saliva samples were taken, blood test were analyzed, and shrinks rated each human guinea pig. The results? Those that acted like superheroes, those that felt they were powerful masks of themselves, beat out the wimpy sample group in absolutely every test.
They were willing to assume more risks. They were unconsciously more open to relationships. And, far more startling, their brains actually short circuited. They were inundated with a myriad of different hormones.
Testosterone levels rose right on the spot and continued for 17 minutes after the stance. The prevailing theory is that the brain can’t differentiate between the potential of power – or the idea – and actual power.
But, that wasn’t all, Cortisol – sometimes referred to as “stress hormone” – actually decreased. With time, those individuals who practiced the superhero pose, could actually alter their Cortisol baseline. In other words, after a while, they actually managed to develop an immunity to it.
The general summation: “Stand like a superhero, act like a superhero.”
That in itself is one hell of a life-hack. But, you know me, I go to extremes.
I took that concept to the higher echelons of insanity. My rabid fan cerebellum went to town with that medical discovery. I blitzed it out of its mind, injected it with napalm, dragged it to the nearest seedy hotel, and, well, I’ll leave the rest up to your depraved imagination. A few months later, the radioactive offspring knocked at my door and what a proud papa I’ve been since then.
The name of this article, is after all, “Train Like Batman”.
For those who don’t know me, I’m an avid runner. I love to sweat my ass off and run like a demented gerbil all around town. It’s sort of my thing. No matter where I’m at, no matter in what country, time-zone, flee infested nightmare I’m vacationing at, the first things I pack are my running shoes. I’m one of those strange visitors from another planet, that sulks into the all-inclusive hotel at 9 in the morning, drenched and parched, while everybody else is slaughtering the continental buffet.
Since reading that gob smacked revelation, I sort of added a new essential tool to my armament.
Now I’m that weird, “why can’t he take the day off?” psychopath who strolls into the hotel’s main hall partly dehydrated and wearing a Captain America compression shirt.
That’s right! Sports’ companies have jumped on the bandwagon. They’ve analyzed the data, crunched the numbers and quickly come to the revelation that there is gold to be had in the superhero fab.
Under Armour was the first to realize this potential. They marketed and made millions out of their unique Alter Ego line. They evolved from a simple and crude hero logos on their compression shirts to limited edition apparel based on that summer’s big blockbuster extravaganza. They made fitted, muscle-hugging, tight tees, perfectly balanced for your performance. These T-shirts, mind you, are based on your favorite characters. This year’s nerdgasm? “Avengers: Age Of Ultron.”
Under Armour isn’t the only one. Cody Lundin has also gotten into the craze with sonic compression sleeveless shirts. The insanity doesn’t stop there. A quick browse on Amazon will reveal a world of possibilities. From long-sleeve – bionic arm – Winter Soldier t-shirts to a nifty belly hugging Deadpool tunic, each is designed for all training purposes.
Want to lift weights like the Hulk? Run around the National Mall like Captain America? Show everyone at the gym that you are a Thunder God? Well, thankfully, you are living in the golden epoch, of: “simply take my money and shut up!”
Improve your performance, your speed, your overall attitude, with these possibilities. Like, I said: “be Batman!”
Grab your music player, download a mix of Orchestral Soundtracks. Grab a bit of Hans Zimmer, some old-school John Williams, a Dash of Ramin Djawadi (Game Of Thrones, Iron Man, Pacific Rim), some Alan Silvestri (Captain America) and finish with Brian Tyler and Danny Elfman (Avengers). Tie off your shoes and finally slap on your brand new, will no doubt turn heads, T-shirt. You’re good to go. Once you get over the self-conscious phase you’ll be tricking your brain and body to go the distance.

Go forth and smash those records you puny human!

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