Donald Trump VP Analyzed With Almost VPs

Donald Trump and Pence

This Friday, the Republican heavyweight and all around news-fodder, Donald Trump, is likely to pick his second in command. His vice presidential candidate, the man, figure, mineral and quite possibly reptile who will grace his ballot. If ever the shit hits the fan, and the Secret Service gets distracted by an errant butterfly, this is the fellow who will pick up the country and lol it back to a sweet oblivion. The second stringer soothing stimulating sitter. The man, whose very function is to toss a cool towel over Donald’s more eccentric attitudes and lure the electorates into the daft, demented, derailed, deranged and diverting enterprise that is American Politics.

Here at the Guy Society, we’ve decided, to sum up those possibilities and give you the proverbial cheat-sheet, for when the obligatory conversation comes up. When everybody is nestled around the beer keg, flinging out political rhetoric on the nature of this new beast – that’s simply the old one with a pair of shiny new handcuffs – and you’re thinking to yourself: “Who the fuck cares? Really the V.P. Isn’t he a placeholder? Some poor schmuck who’s given a comfy seat and told: ‘don’t feel bad Timmy, you didn’t lose. You simply were the second place winner. Cheer up, have a paddy cake.”

Newt Gingrich

In 1994, Newt after almost 40 years, helped the Republicans win the House Of Representatives. How did he manage this? By promising a whitewash thingamajig (that’s the official term used by lobbyist up in the Hill), called “Contract With America”. A promise to pass 10 bills within 104 days if the people voted for the GOP. Issues, Newt rightly theorized, were at the forefront of Dick and Jane America’s mind. Issues, he headlined in such a vague manner that he might as well be talking about the price of rice in China.

“Yes, we will spearhead something or another. Yes, that’s right… We’ll call it a committee. Did I do air-quotes, shit, sorry. A committee – Christ what is wrong with my hands? – that will face the big issues. Topic like, well, like –  well give me a second CNN and let me think! Yes, questions like crime and stopping it, cut taxes and balance the budget… Then, if you elect us in the mid-terms we’ll fix world hunger. Yes, that’s what we’ll do. Fix it all… Why is everybody laughing?”

Donald Trump – Why him?

Why not. Sure in the midterms, after his swell swoop in 94, the Republican’s got a kick in the ass and were voted out. But Newt had already pulled the impossible. Sure, when he ran for President in 2012, he was noted as being the least popular politician in America. The temper tantrum? When he went and shut down the federal government partly because, and here he admitted the faux-pass, then-President Bill Clinton was rude to him on Air Force One. Who remembers that? Oh, you, because I just reminded you… That makes sense. The political backwash, and a rather unsavory yet highly entertaining cartoon, to this day pestering him like a dog who just smelled bacon in his master’s pocket.

Still, Newt is a recognized name. In a war, where both parties are practicing voodoo, just to see if they can get Lincoln or Washington to support them, a name is a name… Despite the fact that must come with a warning label that reads: “Beware of sulfuring smell. Brimstone those not easily wash from clothes.”

Mike Pence

A conservative choice, both in terms of his ideology as well as his political plans. They say he is already selected.  If you could pick anything, that was the very definition of boring, well Mike would be the number two choice, the first a life-like statue of Gumby with the soul of a slug and the neuron displacement of marshmallows. Mike Pence, the governor for Indian, has something that Donald Trump desperately needs… Fantastic hair. Plus, the fact that he’s a zealot religious conservative might bag some wavering voters. Pence spent six terms in the U.S. House where he was judged as a conservative yet sober legislator.

Plus, given that fact that Pence is more than likely to fail for his bid at re-election, he is in a political swamp waiting for a lifeline. He’s the only one despondent enough to view the assignment, of VP, in a wacky White House, as a win… Cause, frankly he has nowhere else to go.

Chris Christie

The current Republican governor of New Jersey, which is a statement so bizarre that you simply have to read it a couple of time before you realize that you are not in an alternative dimension, whose approval ratings is in the upper 30’s (which for a politician is a triumph).

Trump wants New York City, period. That has always been a traditional Democratic beehive. The Big Apple might as well sell blue ties on every street corner. Trump wants New York as badly as a teenager wants a blowjob from Scarlett Johansson. He basically stares out the window, of his penthouse overlooking the Manhattan skyline, while strangling a goat and pledging his allegiance to the Dark One. The Dark One on his throne putting Hillary on call-waiting and telling his manservant: “When will this nightmare ever end?! For fuck’s sake, the phone won’t stop ringing!”

Chis “sort of won a state near New York” Christie might be his token name. Plus, given his New York and New Jersey, connections, and the way he sort of looks like a character actor who frequents the Bada-Bing Club, it might be a good idea to have him in the wings for the necessary display of power… You know the one, the one that entails a severed horse head.

General Michael T. Flynn

Why him?

Because the man looks like a throwback to the years of John Wayne. He’s the sort of figure who you just know flicks Death off every morning will taking his constitutional, and chews raw cigarettes like donuts just to prove that everybody else is a giant pussy. The guy is a General, which is just about as sexy to political hotshots as a line-up of Hooters waitress near a defective fire hydrant. The man is a lifelong Democrat who supports Trump simply because he thinks Obama has been a giant sissy with radical Islam.

His C.V.

  • Helped author a report called “Fixing Intel: A Blueprint for Making Intelligence Relevant in Afghanistan.” A nuclear explosion essay that took a bat to every testicle in the intelligence community and exposed cracks in the system; bearing how little U.S., actually knew about the Afghan sandbox.
  • His last job: Defense Intelligence Agency. Why he was force out a year ahead of schedule? Because Edward Snowden, went all, well, Edward Snowden on everybody.
  • Instrumental in major breakthroughs in counter-terrorism operations in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere Al-Queada moved.
  • The man has a nasty habit of collecting medals. So many flags, decorations, and honors pinned to his chest that he needs a forklift every morning just to fit into his suit and armor.

Ted Cruz

Yup, the same guy who went after Donald during his campaign, might be his bed-time buddy come election time.

Why is he a likely candidate?

Aside from the fact that he was close to bagging the Republican thumbs-up, and that he managed to snare some key states, Ted Cruz is also Donald’s biggest thorn. If the party somehow manages to make peace with the man who refused to endorse the hotel tycoon, then the fight with Clinton just got easier.

Well, in Ted Cruz and Donald’s case, the billboard of them kissing might very well be an impasse that will rock their relationship.

The bets are on, let’s see who Donald picks…

Son of a Bitch! Goddammit! The man moved forward his announcement. And the winner, Mike Pence! My guess is that the rest were screening their calls.

“Honey, it’s that same number. The one with a New York area code… You want me to get it?”

“Don’t you dare! Turn off the lights! Shut the curtains! Not a peep! No one is home, we’re on vacation!”




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